This is my chance to speak about myself in the third person—an uncomfortable task since I will know I’m bragging; you will know it’s me bragging and I will know you know that I know I’m bragging. For this to work I have to find that perfect balance somewhere between megalomania and self-loathing. One or the other alone won’t do. Tobie Shapiro has indeed been writing all her life, so why now for a blog? She’ll give you one good reason:

1) All the people who would sue her have finally died.

Ah, but not to worry. This is not going to be a tell-all of self pity and self-righteousness combined. She has already written that never-to-be-published debut novel, They Were All Mean to Me, and believes she is done with that.

There will be no megalomania or self-loathing until you know her better.

About this third person singular:

Tobie Shapiro has been impractical, unable to tolerate a nine-to-five job, so she devoted herself instead to her creative callings—all-consuming passions that earn, on average, bupkes.

Tobie Shapiro has been married and divorced three times. Sounds terrible—all that failure. But this also means that three men fell in love with her so deeply and wildly that they proposed marriage—actually more than three, but three were accepted, and she wore the same dress to two of the weddings.

She wrote a song and a short story instead of mopping the floor. She cannot sew. If it were possible, she would staple that button back onto the shirt, but the safety pin was closer. (Divorce #1.)

Since Tobie Shapiro was raised with a lunatic at the helm, it takes her a bit longer to figure out that someone is crazy. (Divorce #2.)

She is the mother of twins: a girl and boy. Both of them are what her daughter prefers to call, “neurologically unusual.” Her son is autistic. Her daughter has a combo special of diagnosed “unusualities” that can best be called, “Acronym’s Syndrome.” Say hello to the special education department of the school district. Take a number, hire a lawyer and wait in line. This may have caused the applause to die down in other venues. (Divorce #3.)

Tobie (if we are on a first name basis) usually wins the “most alarming life story” competition of anyone in the support group, which does not endear her to the others. Highlights of that alarming story will be revealed in digestible morsels at well-spaced intervals. Those who feel entertained by catastrophes, melodrama, travesties of justice, and struggles of the underdog to emerge triumphant will not be disappointed—nor if you showed up for the yucks.