On my mundane schedule today was a 1:00 PM appointment to drop off a big jug of the urine I collected over a 24 hour period. Don’t get the wrong idea. This was all my own exudate. I did not go on a door to door mission collecting samples of urine from total strangers, meaning the neighbors. What would be the purpose of such a collection? If it were separate samples, it could be a health department study determining the presence of certain chemicals, pollutants, insecticides, contamination in the water table. But this was one jug. How do you explain that to potential contributors?

“Hi. I’m from the Good Samaritan Rescue Mission (show badge I.D.). I’m not asking for money, so please doin’t shut the door. The Good Samaritan Rescue Mission is an organization that’s been helping people who are at risk, people from broken homes, victims of domestic abuse, recovering addicts, youth without safe havens at home, just people with troubles who need support and purpose and have no where else to turn. The Good Samaritan Rescue Mission (GSRM) sponsors these people, people like me, gives us guidance and direction, counseling, training for employment, introduces us to healthy eating habits, stable productive life styles, gives us shelter if we’re without housing, protection if we’re in danger. The Good Samaritan Rescue Mission has scholarships for higher education, grants for starting small businesses. The GSRM gets its funding from donations, government grants, from the proceeds of pop-up business ventures, the sale of hand made original art, crafts, practical household and personal tools, all made by us, the grateful people whose lives are changing for the better because of GSRM’s generosity and vision.

“Right now we’re getting ready for our bi-annual county wide Good Samaritan Rescue Mission fair. There will be rides, games, fabulous prizes, a mini olympics, performances showcasing our talents. This time we’re lucky to have Maggie the Magnificent, an amazing psychic and world class award winning virtuoso yodeler.

“Admission is free for everyone who agrees to spare just a few minutes of their time right now and donate a urine sample. All you have to do is take this sterile cup and see if you can fill it just up to that first line. It isn’t much, really only a few drops. It is guaranteed to be completely anonymous. Your urine will not be traceable to you at all. There are no special requirements. No fasting. You don’t have to have abstained from smoking, alcohol or drugs. You won’t be put on any mailing lists and you will never get a letter thanking you so much for your generous gift and then asking for more. Your name will not be added to a published list of donors. It’s just this time, between you and me. One and done. I’ll even throw in a free raffle ticket for every milliliter. You will be helping so many people and it won’t cost you a thing. You won’t miss it. It means nothing to you, but to somebody else, some lucky person in the Good Samaritan Rescue Mission family, it means hope for a future they never dreamed existed. Whaddayoo say? Will you help us so we can help others?”

If the total stranger agrees, the however many raffle tickets worth of neighborly pee will be carefully handed over to me. I put a lid on it, take it with me, then pour it into the 24 hour urine collection jug and hand it over to an employee at Quest Diagnostics.

This is the way I spice up my official medical record.